he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Damn victory sex feels great
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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