Just fell off a train. Bad.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
