I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Randomize
