My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
