sooooo how many boyfriends is too many?
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
