I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
redhead is getting on the bull...again red head is getting on the bull!
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
