the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Randomize
