so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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