There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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