Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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