This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
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