Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
Randomize
