He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
