I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Randomize
