Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
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