I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
