Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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