There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
this beer tastes like vomit already
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
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