The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
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