I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
