I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
