My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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