I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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