This is clearly one of those "A hole's a hole" situations
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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