she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
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