My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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