If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Myspace is for pedophiles and tweakers in the 818 trying to hook up. I always forget theres music there too
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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