I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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