while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Randomize
