if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Randomize
