its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Randomize
