I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
