We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
