Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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