Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
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