I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
