i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
My hand turned me down
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
