i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
