stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Randomize
