i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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