How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Randomize
