I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
that may or may not have been my penis.
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