if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Randomize
