My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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