Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize