so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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