Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
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