i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
