Dude my mom stole all your condoms
My nipple is on Facebook.
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
