Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
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