I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
