Soap is not a condiment
I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I just gift wrapped bread.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Randomize
