She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
