dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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