he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Randomize
