I'm really into asian looking animals
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Randomize
