Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
