The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
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