My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
Randomize
