he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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