you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
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