There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
