well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Randomize
