If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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