I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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